Sounds of Silence

Silence. Stares of discernment catapult to-and-fro across the room. Decisively making the next hand gesture, I communicated to my friend (James), a look of apprehension tells me, on this occasion, I got the sign right. In a blur of hand motions, James tells me that he is proud of my increasing ability to sign. Deplorably, I responded in turn through my own blur of hand motions (I knew this sentence well), 'No, I forget everything, I never practice.’ For what seemed like 15 minutes, but in actuality was over an hour, James and I continued this broken, silent conversation. For over an hour, we sat in silence and talked. For over an hour, we laughed in silence. For over an hour, we felt what it was like to be deaf. At the exhaustion of our conversation we broke our silence, our vocal chords dry.

I cannot stress enough how strange that feeling was. To be engaged in conversation for over an hour, but to not say a word, to actually LAUGH in silence. In this day and age, silence is almost non-existent. Noise has been eradicated through social media and accessible entertainment. A culture where waking up has become dependant on television, music & coffee. This world has found silence to become an eerie presence and almost extinct.

What am I to say then, about the culture that I am apart of? Even the means to which I now write this thought down comes through this same Electronic Age that is sending people deaf. With there myface’s and space-books (as says Murray from FOTC)… So what now? Conforming or Cocooning? Go out and destroy all electronic equipment, live out in a monastery or leave to Papua New Guinea or Africa? Accept what American culture is, use it but still try and show some restraint in the way that we conduct ourselves? OR Embrace it fully and use it to its full advantage regardless of anything...

In 2006 I was fortunately able to do some missionary work in Papua New Guinea. After spending time in PNG, I fell in love with ‘Eastern Spirituality.’ The way that they show others the kind of love and community that we westerner’s haven’t seen in this world for a long time. Living simply, needing almost nothing; A roof over their heads, a fire at night, weapons for hunting, and brothers and sisters living in a community, swapping and trading at need. When I came back, I was disgusted with the way my life was being lived, with the pointless amount of wasted hours spent in-front of the television or the computer screen. All I wanted to do was to sell all of my possessions to buy enough for a plane ticket back to PNG and then live there for the rest of my days.

People who travel to Africa and PNG or various other eastern minded countries, often come back with these same distastes. My room-mate and I have been discussing the revulsion for society that has come from seeing a world in poverty. A world seemingly alienated by God, a world surrounded by poverty.

It’s been three years since my time in Papua New Guinea, and since, have spent much time of reflection of my time there and what has become of my life now. Thinking about the elegant dance between materialism and existentialism, not wanting to be a part of either. But yet, still being a part of that culture. It is pointless me trying to live like an African in an American culture. It’s impossible. And if you disagree, then tell me when was the last time you drove somewhere? Last time you popped over to Kroger or Walmart? Walked around in rooms with “conditioned-air.”? Can I still hold true to those values, and have that eastern culture in my forefront theology, definitely. But it is going to be warped by the culture in which you now live!

We’re all a part of a diverse, multi-cultural society. We need to be adaptable, to be able to speak different cultural languages. It is the life in which we now live. By all means, walk barefoot into Walmart. Its probably the most cross-cultural you will get.

We need to realize that theology is open and reforming. Constantly. Stereotypically, those who consider themselves “liberal” bash those who are “conservative” and say they’re stuck in their ways and close-minded. Look both ways, because those who consider themselves “liberal” and open-minded, are becoming just what they hate the most. With opinions that they’re correct, and having considered all possible information, they formulate their views.

We’re in a world that is ever-changing. A world full of social media and entertainment. A world that is constantly reforming. Whichever side of the argument you find yourself on, do not forget that no matter what, you need to be reforming, constantly. Never believe that you ‘have it.’ Else, arrogance take you over.

This was not written to be state as truth. But more to prompt uncomfortable action, to promote conversation and reanalyzation. Think outside your culture, your views, your values. In case you haven’t noticed, there are other people on this planet besides your own.

May you get out of your house, sit amongst the nature of God, sit in silence and look at the world through contextual glasses that are not your own.

When Four Worlds Collide.

Through clenched teeth, I strain at the forces pulling from all directions, weakly the words, “I can’t,” fall feebly at my feet. Staring up to the heavens the only thing that i know is that my God is there. Again, agony pierces through my body, like a electricity coursing through my muscles. The rope around my hands and feet remains constantly taught, offering no relaxation, melting into my skin as its fiery grip clutches at my limbs. I scream but no noise escapes my lips, as if I was underwater. Those I love stand by and watch as they beckon the horses to pull from me. With such ease they muster at these powerful animals, surely they cannot realise that I am attached. As I drift away from consciousness, I yearn for the wilderness, to head back towards the stillness of mind that once became of me. Oh to be once again, roaming amid God’s brilliance, being utterly dependant on him. Yet, i chose this life, I was the one who bound my feet. I gave my hands up to be strapped down. Who am I to complain of what I chose to do?

Christianity according to Harry Potter

The back of end of my summer was spent demolishing what would be two of the longer Harry Potter books in the series of the same name. My thoughts first came to fruition, after just having read, "The Half Blood Prince."

For some strange reason I have been engrossed to the story that is embedded within. For days, I read silently as my emotions bounced around like a 12-year-old child, who had drunk copious amounts of Red Bull. Sometimes I lay there, with anger and frustration apparent on my face, otherwise I sat up, reading extremely fast, anxiously awaiting the result of a particular confrontation. I became so absorbed into these books, I almost forgot I did not actually KNOW these people--or characters as they turned out to be--But as I introspect, I see why I feel so ingrained into this story. It is because it is I... I am this story. This story is my life... No, gifts of wizardry have not suddenly materialized into my mastery, but, in an alternate sense, I am in training...

If you tear away part of the theatrics of the story, this story become more relevant to you and I than anyone would have thought possible. If only we expressed our emotions in the same way.

I will tell, for those of you who do not know—which would probably be very few—the elements of the story in which give it, its structure.

Some people are born, and grow up in the "muggle world," (a term used for non-magic folk) a life without the knowledge of the powers outside their own existence. The Muggles have no idea that there is a completely different life in rigid dichotomy to their own: i.e. Harry Potter. Others are brought up with this knowledge. They know of its power and assume it as means of their everyday life. Some would go, as far to say, they are almost dissatisfied with it: for instance a one Ronald Weasley.

Harry Potter, upon hearing that he was a wizard and that magic was, in fact, a reality, was bewildered; however, it also made so much sense to him, all in the same breath.

So for the next few years of Harry's life, he left the "outside world" and studied this new life, feeling at home within the proximity of his fellow 'wizards.' With indignation, with exaltation, anguish and love, Harry navigated his way through life (in both worlds--wizard and muggle).

The books turn dark as the dark Lord becomes powerful again, seemingly omniscient to some, and forces--good and evil--re-group after having a 13-year sabbatical. The war rages, everyone can see the effects that it has on both worlds, yet one world remains ignorant. (Whether by choice or enforcement the muggles remain unawares)

This then becomes the life of the one, Harry Potter. It becomes the “constant vigilance!” life, consisting purely of plans to bring down the Dark Lord. Left with scars, physical and emotion, and reminders of the terrors he has faced, he will be continually reminded of the horrors of life, until the DarkLord’s reign is over…

A morose tale when told so bluntly but there is something still elemental that can not be lost. Seemingly intertwined into the fabric of all the books, runs a continued theme. Love. Love is the ultimate weapon that the Dark Lord, cannot and will not ever possess. Whether it is the love of a mother for a son, a mentor for a protégé, a boy for a girl, (or simply a love between friends). Love grows deep.

Let me try to somehow weld the fragments of my imagination into our own biographical tale. Firstly, Instead of magic and non-magic, picture in its place, believer/Christian and non-believer/non-Christian. To wrap your head around what I am trying to render, this simple concept, is the thing you will need to grasp.

All of what I have spoken about the famous books should ring true in our own life. Its stripped theology is one that threatens the very meaning of Satan’s existence. I refer back to the books beginning. The original encounter with Harry when he finds out that, this life, is more than what it seems. Is that not how we are, or were rather, when we found out what Christ DID for us, the fact that the Holy Spirit moves through us to save us from this life! Yet, over time, we become dissatisfied with it.

When we first encounter the gospel message, we are either, awed at the message that it sings or we a left feeling unfulfilled and numb. Personally, the latter is what I saw “the message,” as for the majority of my teenage years. It really was not until my final year of high school that I started to regain some of that fire, that is, the Holy Spirit. However, for the most part I was content. Happy to simply be another head in the crowd, this is evident in the way we live our lives. Becoming what some call “Refrigerator Christians,” complete with labelled fridge magnet. The idea that we remain in darkness until someone opens the door, and then the light comes on. In this way, we so called “Christians,” have become. Only turning our Christianity on when someone is looking. If you want the hypocritical Christian, look no further… and we wonder why the label Christian has bad connotations.

Where did the magic die out? When did being a Christian become obligatory and annoying? At which point in our upbringing did we discontinue believing in the magic that is the Bible story?

As I go through and re-read all my old biblical stories—like Jonah—I am reminded further of this magical feeling. The stories that we know (which in a life brought up in Christianity, is a lot of them) have become old-hat, so we stop “needing” to read them, but there is something mystical about reading Samson, in Judges 15 say, “With a donkey's jawbone I have made donkeys of them. With a donkey's jawbone I have killed a thousand men.” There is just something so poetic in the mass slaughter of a thousand men.

When you start to take the bible for granted, you are ultimately stating you know more than it can offer. Moreover, when that arrogance creeps in, you start to become close-minded.

Some of us have lived in the “magic” world far too long, and have taken a resenting stance on the treatment of muggle folk. Looking down their noses at them with an arrogant disdain whilst others prefer to be more benevolent towards their muggle counterparts. Reading the Potter series, there is this condescension that becomes evident in the lives of several “pure blood” wizards. They are better than, and have no time for, non-Christian folk.

Brothers, while we have the opinion that we are above those who do not believe in the story of the gospel, we will never convert anyone. Post-modernism culture already has bad enough presuppositions about Christians without us talking down to them. This is where I slip in Love again. In everything, speak to your neighbour in love...

To be continued...

*NB - There is a lot on this, that I have not yet had time to work through, finish and re-work. Due to extenuating circumstances I just have not released anything for some time, so I thought I would release this and get people’s opinions on it to help me whilst I am in my editing phase of this half of the concept...

Lightning.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while,
you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller.

Currently, I am sitting at my desk. Life is moving extremely fast around me; events that are left, right and centre. It never stops. Nevertheless, I have the overwhelming need to sit still for a while, and introspect.

Last week, we were (Downtown Church Youth) in Houston, TX. Working with the IMPACT Church, an inner city ministry, working with children of all races, aged from Kindergarten through Grade 5 (and some extra slipped in).

Before we left, I knew it was going to be hard. I knew that it was going to be different to the children’s ministry here at Downtown, and within the Searcy area. At Downtowns day camp (grades 1-3), I had the privilege of being able to get to know a fair chunk of the children attending Downtown (and it was SUPER fun). It now takes me an hour to walk 100 steps from the Youth Centre to the front doors. Surprisingly, hundreds of children attacking you (kids and teens alike) does actually have its drawbacks. But I would not have it any other way. I have been able to integrate myself into the lives of these children, whom are apart of my family here at Downtown. For the past year, my life has been around the Teens, but I have loved getting to know these children. They possess so much joy for God, they have such kind, caring hearts, as well as being rat-bag 8 year olds with too much energy.

Then we left to Houston.

I knew it was going to be different. I did not, for one second, think that white children from Searcy were going to behave the same as black kids from inner city Houston. I knew that my time spent with the Searcy kids was not, by any means, going to be the same as with the kids from Houston. But I still hoped it would be.

Time spent in Houston was: long, tiring, joyous, hilarious and filled with impatience. It was still amazing. I had the unfortunate privilege of teaching the Reading class... For an hour and fifteen minutes, myself and two other girls from Bama (Alabama) spent two days trying to corral ten, Grade 4 children. Wow.... is all that I can say.

Searcy discipline: "Oi kid! You can't do that, give me that ball please!"
Searcy response: "ok." [Hangs head in shame and walks towards you]

Houston discipline: "Oi kids! You can't do that, give me that ball please!"
Houston response: "pfft, whatever, I aint givin you no ball." [Runs away]

The difference, ironically, is impact.

Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to integrate into these children's lives. At times, they don't even seem like they want it. Now, upon my return, I fear we have become that same, very reason why they have such a guard around them. Several of our teens, told stories of children, in tears, walking away from them after finding out that we would not be here the next week. These children in Houston could probably tell stories of abandonment 100 times over, as different groups from all over America come into their lives for a lightning week and disappear, sometimes, never to be seen again. How do you tell a child in the same sentence, "I love you," but then, "I have to leave you here." We come, and for a lightning week get to show these kids hope. We come, and get to show them unconditional love. My greatest pain of it all is that we get to go home.

Our group left Houston tearfully. We left lingering over the hundreds of stories in our memory, and misremembering the hundred more that are slightly out of reach right now. These kids touched our lives. For many of us, it changed our lives. Did we do the same for them? Will Damontrell always remember Trent, and the ten seconds that he dropped his guard, and told of his 10 year old struggle to cope with the pressures of being tough, and needing to be physical with his classmates, so that they wouldn’t think him weak? Or will he go back to his life, with a vague memory of that ten seconds that he wishes he could get back, continuing to beat up other kids, teens, adults.

It comforts me to know that it is now out of my hands. God is the one who will make this work. I pray for these children, in a hope that we did make a difference, that God will make a difference, and that they will always remember, with a smile on their gorgeous faces, that they are loved... NO MATTER WHAT!

May you continue to go on loving! May you bless those around you, by loving them unconditionally! May you learn that the person next to you needs to be loved. And May you always remember, that God loves you...

NO MATTER WHAT!

I am a tooth.

It has been an age since i have blogged. i havent felt inspired. i havent felt here. i havent felt alive. for the past couple of months, i have just been on cruise control. unfortunately, people have succumbed to the pressure that amounted too. everything has been bland. everything. i even find myself slipping back into depression spirals. i dont want to be around anyone. period. and that just sucks. i have so much that i want to achieve, so much that i know needs me awake and at the wheel. there is so much that i desire for this world, for my world. yet im too vacant for anything.

ive hurt those closest too me. i have hardly spoken to family back home. i have hardly read my bible. ive hardly distanced myself away form the computer or television screen for more time than is available to scratch my butt. when did i become this shell?

its almost like a decaying tooth. the tooth is there, form the outside it looks great, it looks fine. you can even brush it up and make it all shiney, pretty and white. yet, from the core, from the root, its starting to decay. it even still serves a purpose, it looks good AND it still works, still does its job. but there is pain there. when everything stops, when nothings doing, it just hurts. pain that shoots through the rest of the body. why....?

ive been really disappointed in my class presentations lately with the youth group as well. i did one several weeks ago for the junior high. we are given curriculum, but of course, that restricts me into boundaries that i need to follow. for some sick, strange reason, i feel the need to constantly improv everything. flow completely, utterly, beautifully, from the heart.... i started the lesson going over point notes that i had roughly compiled from different thoughts given from the material, and let me tell you. it was rough. choppy, changing, all over the place. horrible. i felt i had let the kids down. that is when i just closed my laptop (from where i had my notes) and just started speaking. i dont even know what the actual lesson was about, but i know what i said afterwards. "guys, what matters is this, you have been told that you are too young. you have been told that you dont know your opinion yet, and that MAY be the case for some of you. but some of you have dreams, realise them! know that their is a power waiting, subdued, sitting dormently waiting for you to come along and drink of its power. through him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! BELIEVE IT! dont give excuses, just get out there..."

sometimes, i need to read what i say. if only i could analyse my own life as well as i can seem to analyse those around me.

i have been down on myself for a while. annoyingly, it comes from money. money tells me that i cannot do a lot of things that i would like. i.e. knee surgery. excuses, excuses, i know. but it seems that money has been the cause of my melancholy everywhere. the reason i was depressed at QR was of course because i was working, out of a sense of obligation, for a family that i didnt yet possess... essentially, i felt i needed money for stability. currently, i feel i need money so i will have ground stability (one fully functioning leg does that too you). freaking money. a constantly battle that i have fought.

i dont have the answers. im not certain i even have the correct questions. i know its all in my head. something is seriously messed up. reboot, run permissions, format hard drive?

so here i am, 3:50am. and im still wide awake.

one thing is for certain. change is in order. there it all is. brutally honest and out there.

am i confusing? or is it just me?

Example of Life.

1 Corinthians 11:1 "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."

1 Peter 2:20-21 "But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. to this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps."

For some time now, I've been toying with the idea that the Christian walk is not what its supposed to be. If you go up to almost all Christians and ask them how they 'do ministry' they will almost all tell you first and foremost, "well, right now I am just trying to lead by example." Yep, well done, you are leading a good moral life, so that others can see you NOT doing things. NOT drinking, NOT smoking, NOT cussing, NOT partying till the wee hours of the morning. But is that what we're called to do... Or not do.

I can almost guarantee that if Christ came to this earth and DIDNT do the things he did, I wouldn't be here now writing this, and you probably wouldn't be here, reading this. If Christ just lead by "example" and lived an upright and moral life, he would be considered the norm.--Yes, I am aware that, by living a moral life in this day and age, you stand out, but please humour me--The fact of the matter is, Jesus shocked the world. He was an inherently quiet natured person, constantly yearning for time alone, in conversation with God. Yet, he spent copious amounts of time speaking in the synagogue's and at various scenic locations around Palestine. Where do you see Jesus, in the streets, conversing with Tax Collectors, happening upon women by well's in the middle of the day. The outcasts of society. 

My chiding is this. How can we live in this world as Christ Followers, and NOT spend time amongst the people, spreading His story, tell people the good news of Jesus. Even if it is spending an extra 10 minutes in the gym to discuss the going on's of the world with another fellow patron. But no, we don't. We go about our busy lives, and seem to be unable to find time to spend in prayer everyday, spend in the word and sit amongst the "persona non grata" of the world. 

We say by we are living our life by example. But who's example are we mimicking? Is it a our own perception of a moral example, or are we living a life unadulterated, just as Christ lived.

Currently, I am in a Spring Sing performance. Basically, it's a 7 minute musical. Our directors have been working for months on costumes, choreography, music development, lyrics, make-up and so much more. We are now at the production stage of the show. It's always weird for me when it comes to these types of shows, we train and we train and we train, hours are spent going over routines, learning and singing each songs, getting it to where we have no possible misinterpretation, or misunderstanding. And all just because we don't want to mess up, we don't want to fail, or worst of all, be humiliated in-front of thousands of people. Together, we are a well oiled machine, we each have our own role to play, and when that performance roles around, if we one of us does not do what we have rehearsed, it would fall to pieces. Now imagine, the big night rolls around, the finale. Everyone  is prepped and ready to go, the lights fade, and the music begins to sound. But only a handful full of the cast comes out on stage, only a handful dare to take a chance. The rest of the ensemble, sitting on the sidelines. They know what to do, they have their routine, but they don't go on stage. Why? Because when all is said and done, they can confidently say, "I didn't mess up at all."

We have been trained. We know exactly what we have to do, yet, we sit there and instead of "performing" we sit on the sidelines and concentrate on NOT sinning... If that is the example we are setting, then I'm sorry, something went seriously wrong along the way. Christ's example shows us that we need to get out amongst the outcasts, we need to get burned by people-which, in ministry, is something that always happens-we need to be prepared to sacrifice... Just as Christ lived.

I'm not expecting us all to drop out of our jobs and to go into ministry.  But, I am calling you to change the way you are living... Get out and DO! Be like Christ, live your life like you don't have anything to lose, because you don't. We have something for us after this world, something that is better by far. You have been given a chance of a new life in Christ, you have put on new clothes, clothes that are NOT of this world. 

Don't let this world have mastery over you. 

Go, live your life in the dust of our Rabbi. 

As I Walk Through the Olives.

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." Proverbs 10:19

For some time now i haven't had the same breath of life running through my veins coercing me to write down my feelings and spiritual wisdom i attain through some holy means. I am simply being. Something which i take with much anguish actually.

How can one, keep silent in a world that expects you to speak. I want to go out into the Mount of Olives, nay I need to get out onto the Mount of Olives. I need to get away from everything that is going on, i need to get away from the plans that are being made and just BE.

"I need to get away," uttered the figure, as he sauntered down towards the grove. Brushing up against the limb of a tree, trying, in the morose darkness, not to walk directly into one. The dew on the grass already starting to form, as his sandals become increasingly moist with every passing step. As daylight rapidly started to approach, the faint hint of an aurora started to display upon the heavenly canvas of the starlit sky. The faint aroma of olives wafting on the gentle breeze, tenderly drifting through His senses. He looks down upon the city, already starting to come alive in preparation for the mornings work, just as other establishments are finally closing their doors for the evening. Unbeknownst to them all, their discreet friend watches longingly from afar.

" 'The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light;
the stars will fall from the sky,
and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.'

"Watch!" bellowed the Christ. (Adaption Mine)

Upon reading the gospel of Mark, it speaks of Jesus and his disciples going out onto the Mt of Olives (across from Jerusalem). In actual fact, it sits upon a neighboring hill. Jerusalem sits upon one, and then as you travel east towards Bethany, you might happen upon an Olive garden. What you would notice upon arrival there, is that it actually sits a ways up higher than Jerusalem. Meaning that when Jesus went to the Garden to pray, he was sitting at an elevated position looking down onto Jerusalem. Sitting above, waiting, biding his time, contemplating, knowing what tasks must befall him in the moments to arrive soon their after.

In this same way, I now sit. I have my "Jerusalem" I have my great purpose. something which I am sitting above, staring at. Not knowing really how much its going to hurt. Not knowing how much time and physical energy is going to have to go into my task.

Here I sit. In this state of ambivalence. Looking down upon my future. Uncertain, but hopeful.

"I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together." Psalm 34:1-3.